Nostalgic Duplicity

Sometimes I get the unshakable feeling that I’m living out a teen movie made in the mid-nineteen-nineties, except I’m not a teenager, and for damn sure am not in the nineties. I guess if you spend enough time in your head you start to hear theme music, sort of like a soundtrack to life. I really don’t want to get down on myself on here (anymore), so I’m not.

(If you want to add some ambiance to this blog ,then play this song while you read the rest. (Millencolin – Shut you out) Heres a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHokuPuu-YM )

Im totally in love with the human experience, completely enamored with the senses of living life. It truly is a gift to be able to wake up every morning, completely ready to tackle any and every adversity thrown your way. Which is why sometimes, I have to get on top of a mountain, open up my arms nice and wide and scream at the top of my lungs “I’m the king of the world!” in order to remind myself that, much like scarface, the world is mine

I want nothing more then to be the hero, but tend to find myself in pretty sticky situations. Every time I feel like I’m doing well and making progress, I seem to be swiftly reminded I have so much more to go. Im not complaining of course (even if it sounds like that), after all life isn’t bad, its good, and its not hard, but it for damn sure isn’t easy. I just can’t help but think I’m polishing a turd when I put so much effort into life and get the sweaty ballsack of the universe across my face in return (especially when I’m expecting the sweet kiss of Lady Luck). Im not complaining I’m just wondering if this is it to life.

I keep asking myself: “am I the monkey? Or am I the weasel?” Maybe I’m the mulberry bush and the monkey chasing the weasel is just an internal battle between me and my crazy ass emotions. Which sounds most likely, there is also the chance I’m just not man enough to admit that most my problems are indirectly (or maybe even directly) caused by me. Maybe my problems aren’t even real and I’m just worrying because its learned behavior. After all, it would make sense, I grew up a worrier. Even though now, as an adult, I feel pretty great. A young and strong man, embarking on his journey of self discovery, but its not like my anxiety is gone. I still worry about the dumbest shit, like did I lock the doors? did I leave the stove on? or do my friends really like me? As of right now, I’m worrying, and later, probably still worrying.

Every time I have to face that cold reality of having made a mistake, whether huge or big, I can’t help but hear music in my head, which seems to make it just a little bit better because, in my head, this is just my nineties college movie. Not just any music of course, but the type of music that you would only hear in an old Tony Hawks Pro Skater game, or in the original American Pie movie. Life is just a journey and as long as I keep trying my best, I can’t be mad at myself for being a spectacular failure.

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Great Things and Day Dreams

I spend a lot of time day dreaming. In my head, things are always amplified ten fold, extreme highs and extreme lows. Without getting all “disassociated,” I just have a tendency to embellish the present. I feel at a disadvantage not being able to burst out in song and have backup singers and dancers follow suit, as we are whisked away into a flurry of wonderful song and dance, only then will I truly be able to express myself.

Im not looking to escape from reality, I love reality, I just wish it had a little bit more pizzaz! I live in Los Angeles, a place where you would think everything is sexy. Well I have some bad news, everything is not sexy. Its hard to make poverty look sexy, but thats not to say that Los Angeles doesn’t actually have glamour, its there, just not for poor people.

Even though my life doesn’t see much “sexiness,” (perhaps due to my lack of connections to that scene in Los Angeles) I must say it is not void of romance, everything I do and say has some semblance of romance. Im talking full on Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca romance, I just want everything in my life to be over the top extraordinary.  Im always looking for greatness, which has given me an – one hundred and fifty percent effort, until I am unable to put any more effort forth! – type of attitude. If it where up to me every night would be a gigantic climax where the many unresolved conflicts of my life magically come to a resolution as I valiantly fight my way through stress from school, from my flickering love life, and from every other force in nature both internal and external and at the end I would always come out victorious.

Thats because in my head, I’m the hero, the protagonist, the young man who against all odds over came adversity and kicked lifes ass! Unabashed and unapologetic, thats who I am in my head, and it was a hard realization that I’m not the protagonist of the entire world or even in other peoples heads. To others, I’m just a side character, or a means to an end, or even an antagonist. To many I’m just another kid in the way of their own personal goals.

I’m not discouraged by this fact of life, if anything, its pretty encouraging! A little healthy completion never hurt anyone, I like to think it adds to the overall romance of life. A race is just a time trail if you are doing it alone! Rivals and speed bumps are what make your accomplishments that much more sweet when you get the delicious taste of victory! What would the glory of war be without the glorious fight fought. The victor standing proud as he relishes in his rightfully earned accomplishment.

When I tell myself I’m the hero,  life’s problems seem to shrink, after all the hero always comes out on top. One of my professors once told me that I would experience many stop signs and speed bumps as I drive though my life, but no matter what I can never let them stray me off my path to success. Kinks in the chain and curveballs keep things interesting, without them life would seem a lot more bland. I need some conflict, I need some spice, I need some song, and I need to keep daydreaming.

Time Keeps On slippen….

I went to my buddy Zack’s graduation party last night. It was a really great time, lots of people, some I knew, some I didn’t. The overall vibe was positive and that made me feel comfortable. Towards the end of the night things started to get a little out of hand, nothing too crazy just the occasional over-intoxicated partier or rowdy confrontation. Started with a lot of food like Pizza and chips to help soak the booze up, by the end of the night all the food was eaten, and things just got belligerent from there.

At some point I had to switch to water and start sobering up just for the sake of not being the guy to break every piece of glass in the bathroom, (and yes that shit actually happened) but I didn’t stop having a good time, everyone there was just so happy to be together having a good time. Music was loud and the laughter was louder, it was one of those type of nights. Where even though we may have all had some shit in the back of our minds that under any other circumstance would be picking and scratching at our attention span, we all just put that aside and decided that tonight would be all about having a good time.

It makes me sad as all hell that many of my friends will not be returning to college with me next semester. Ive grown to really like them and the fact that they are graduated and transferring out to university is really bitter sweet. On one hand I’m so happy for my colleagues and what the have accomplished and what they will go on to accomplish. On the other hand I don’t like change, and we always have a good time when we get together. Will there still be times like last night? Most likely, and even if it isn’t then thats fine too, because I’m so grateful for the times we have spent together.

There was a moment where we were all just strangers meeting for the first time, now we have gotten to a point where we all share a common relationship. Just a bunch of journalists figuring their shit out, taking it step by step, meeting new people, forming new bonds, and hanging out to passing the time.

Happiness is a state of mind, but not mine.

I went to my old high school today and saw my old teacher, it made me feel old. I’ve been out of high school for four years now, and I’ve come so far from where I was when I first graduated. I am truly happy with where I am in life. So, why don’t I feel happy?

Maybe its because its been a couple weeks since I’ve broken up with my girlfriend of three years, (who am I kidding) It definitely is. Ill be honest, I miss her… but whatever. I broke up with her, and she’s doing her own thing. Its not like our relationship was a cakewalk, I can be pretty tough to get along with. Im anxious and neurotic, coupled with the baggage she carried with her… it just seems, looking back, that all we did was abuse each other. Its a good thing its over, and like I said I feel really good with where my life is at.

So why do I feel unhappy? Its probably a combination of the loneliness felt from my newfound “freedom” and also my anxious brain racing with intrusive thoughts about “her”. Then theres the fact that the semester is over and now I have bullshit to do until it starts back up again in a week or two for summer classes. Just time, to work on things like my blog and try to get social media figured out. Lots of time to hang out with friends, who I don’t really talk to any more, and do things I forgot I liked to do.

The thing is, I think its finally getting a little easier. I may not be exactly as Happy as I feel I should be, but life is looking up. I have a feeling like this is a just me finishing up a chapter of my life, and I’ve got a lot more chapters till my book is over. I feel wonderful, strong, and healthy. Just waiting for that happiness to come around the bend, and I’m sure it will, any minute now….