Fuck, where do I begin??? I feel like an all brown jigsaw puzzle with different sized pieces! (This isn’t me complaining, this is just me sorting some shit out, and I haven’t had a chance to blog in a while so I’m gonna take this opportunity to really let some shit off of my chest) I want you to play this song while you read, ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3RIJ-NmVGM ) Or don’t what the fuck do I care.
So I guess I should explain my absence and neglect from my blog, to put it simply, I’ve been busy. Not just with school work but with my personal identity, I’m having a hard time coming to terms with who exactly I really am, and what I really want in life. Ive always liked the idea of being a rambler, someone who doesn’t have ties to anything, who just floats through peoples lives like a summer breeze. Truth is I’m a sucker for old relationships and I hold on to them like a bad habit.
I just don’t like change, which, understandably puts me at a disadvantage because the world is constantly changing and, in my opinion its not healthy to be in the same place for too long, after all, a rolling stone gathers no moss. I shouldn’t compile because I know I don’t have it as tough as many others even in a thirty mile radius, that doesn’t mean I’ve never experienced fucked up things a young impressionable child could experience, it just means I’m doing well right now. I just have a real good understanding that sometimes, the only thing a person can count on in their life is the instability, not knowing what is gonna happen, just that some shit is gonna happen.
So lately I have been doing lots of School work, at the admitted detriment to my health, but you know: Burn the candles at both ends because we have much to be lit! As the workload came to a halt this weekend I spent most of it watching movies and baseball games, a much deserved vacation from the drudgery of print media. Most of the time its just me and my intrusive thoughts in an internal struggle of self doubt and over confidence. With the right amount of luck I could maybe be a state senator, or at the very least a manager at Red Robin.
Ps: if you made it this far thats wonderful, and I just wanted to let you know didn’t edit this piece not one bit, so I guess you can call in unfiltered.
I am so up to my neck in work I just want to scream, I shouldn’t even be writing this, but I’ve come to a place in my life where writing is my escape… from writing.
I can’t complain, even though it may sound like I am, truth be told if I didn’t have any work to do I would freak out. I need to keep busy, its how I maintain my work ethic. I can’t ever break pace, I can’t ever be stagnant, and I always have to give it everything I possibly can. That masochistic mentality is what I like to call: The Award Winning Work Ethic. I call it that because when you pair that work ethic with organization, persistence, and patience you can, and will become the best person you could possibly be.
I would be a liar if it told you I was without my flaws, they’re a dime a dozen. In my opinion, I have more problems then an algebra textbook, but journalistic work is my therapy. When I throw myself into my work all my problems seem to fade into the background, and the only thing I can think about is getting my story done (on deadline if applicable). Who knows if thats a healthy way to work through my problems? I’m certainly not saying it is, but it certainly isn’t the worst habit I have.
The trick to accomplishing goals even when your goals seem daunting is balancing your demons, because its the self doubt, the low self esteem, the procrastination, the intrusive thoughts, the excuses, the envy, and the lack of faith in our ability to accomplish tasks, that prevents us from actually accomplishing tasks. It’s all about the end game, which is accomplishing goals. The only stipulation is you actually have to put in time and effort to accomplish these goals otherwise you will never see your dreams come to fruition. I refuse to believe dreams stay dreams for the ambitious. The delayed gratification from accomplishing the goals you set for yourself can be some of the most fulfilling feelings on gods green earth, and isn’t that what we’re all doing here? Chasing feelings?
I can be a little self destructive, Ill be the first to admit it. Its not because Im afraid of success, to be honest I’m not sure exactly why I have the tendency to act so irrationally. It isn’t exactly my conscious choice to be a self sabotaging dirtbag, but it just seems like whenever I get an opportunity I get so caught up in royally fucking it up, I actually cause myself to royally fuck up.
(if you want to be placed in the mood I was in when wrote this you should play this song while you read the rest. Motion City Soundtrack – A Life Less Ordinary https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emwKtNc7884 )
Life can just be so… unideal sometimes. I just want every aspect of my life to fit in perfectly with the other, much like a puzzle. In reality, no aspect of my life fits in perfectly with anything. Between my work at school, my topsy-turvy love life, and my cantankorous family, the only thing that comes easy is stress. Nothing fits in with anything, and it makes me feel so uncomfortable. I have the tendency to carry that sense of uncomfortableness with me pretty much everywhere, and it shows through wild actions based compulsion.
Even so, I feel the best way to actually accomplish the attainable goals that I have set for myself is to just act like I know what I’m doing. I might not have the answers, but I can sure pretend I do. Even though I don’t have much faith in my actual ability to complete tasked to a degree that would be deemed “exemplary,” I do have faith in my ability to solve problems. Even if I don’t know how to do something, I can learn. I do most definitely hold firm the belief that all men are created equal, and if anybody could do anything, then I could do everything (within the realm of possibility).
Having a mentality that instills a little confidence in myself definitely helps me accomplish daunting jobs and tasks, even though my mind is racing with a million different possibilities on how things could go wrong if I make a mistake. It also helped me to come to the conclusion that sometimes people just make mistakes. Life is not in any way, shape, or form ideal, and most of the time anything worthwhile takes sacrifice, confidence, and persistence. None of which are natural traits of mine, but if an ape can learn sign language, then I can learn anything I damn well want to.