My own worst enemy

I can be a little self destructive, Ill be the first to admit it. Its not because Im afraid of success, to be honest I’m not sure exactly why I have the tendency to act so irrationally. It isn’t exactly my conscious choice to be a self sabotaging dirtbag, but it just seems like whenever I get an opportunity I get so caught up in royally fucking it up, I actually cause myself to royally fuck up.

(if you want to be placed in the mood I was in when wrote this you should play this song while you read the rest. Motion City Soundtrack – A Life Less Ordinary )

Life can just be so… unideal sometimes. I just want every aspect of my life to fit in perfectly with the other, much like a puzzle. In reality, no aspect of my life fits in perfectly with anything. Between my work at school, my topsy-turvy love life, and my cantankorous family, the only thing that comes easy is stress. Nothing fits in with anything, and it makes me feel so uncomfortable. I have the tendency to carry that sense of uncomfortableness with me pretty much everywhere, and it shows through wild actions based compulsion.

Even so, I feel the best way to actually accomplish the attainable goals that I have set for myself is to just act like I know what I’m doing. I might not have the answers, but I can sure pretend I do. Even though I don’t have much faith in my actual ability to complete tasked to a degree that would be deemed “exemplary,” I do have faith in my ability to solve problems. Even if I don’t know how to do something, I can learn. I do most definitely hold firm the belief that all men are created equal, and if anybody could do anything, then could do everything (within the realm of possibility).

Having a mentality that instills a little confidence in myself definitely helps me accomplish daunting jobs and tasks, even though my mind is racing with a million different possibilities on how things could go wrong if I make a mistake. It also helped me to come to the conclusion that sometimes people just make mistakes. Life is not in any way, shape, or form ideal, and most of the time anything worthwhile takes sacrifice, confidence, and persistence. None of which are natural traits of mine, but if an ape can learn sign language, then I can learn anything I damn well want to.


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