Its been a long time, and I hardly recognize you.

Fuck, where do I begin??? I feel like an all brown jigsaw puzzle with different sized pieces! (This isn’t me complaining, this is just me sorting some shit out, and I haven’t had a chance to blog in a while so I’m gonna take this opportunity to really let some shit off of my chest) I want you to play this song while you read, ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3RIJ-NmVGM ) Or don’t what the fuck do I care.

So I guess I should explain my absence and neglect from my blog, to put it simply, I’ve been busy. Not just with school work but with my personal identity, I’m having a hard time coming to terms with who exactly I really am, and what I really want in life. Ive always liked the idea of being a rambler, someone who doesn’t have ties to anything, who just floats through peoples lives like a summer breeze. Truth is I’m a sucker for old relationships and I hold on to them like a bad habit.

I just don’t like change, which, understandably puts me at a disadvantage because the world is constantly changing and, in my opinion its not healthy to be in the same place for too long, after all, a rolling stone gathers no moss. I shouldn’t compile because I know I don’t have it as tough as many others even in a thirty mile radius, that doesn’t mean I’ve never experienced fucked up things a young impressionable child could experience, it just means I’m doing well right now. I just have a real good understanding that sometimes, the only thing a person can count on in their life is the instability, not knowing what is gonna happen, just that some shit is gonna happen.

So lately I have been doing lots of School work, at the admitted detriment to my health, but you know: Burn the candles at both ends because we have much to be lit! As the workload came to a halt this weekend I spent most of it watching movies and baseball games, a much deserved vacation from the drudgery of print media. Most of the time its just me and my intrusive thoughts in an internal struggle of self doubt and over confidence. With the right amount of luck I could maybe be a state senator, or at the very least a manager at Red Robin.

 

Ps: if you made it this far thats wonderful, and I just wanted to let you know didn’t edit this piece not one bit, so I guess you can call in unfiltered.

 

Less Bitching, More Writing

I am so up to my neck in work I just want to scream, I shouldn’t even be writing this, but I’ve come to a place in my life where writing is my escape… from writing.

I can’t complain, even though it may sound like I am, truth be told if I didn’t have any work to do I would freak out. I need to keep busy, its how I maintain my work ethic. I can’t ever break pace, I can’t ever be stagnant, and I always have to give it everything I possibly can. That masochistic mentality is what I like to call: The Award Winning Work Ethic. I call it that because when you pair that work ethic with organization, persistence, and patience you can, and will become the best person you could possibly be.

I would be a liar if it told you I was without my flaws, they’re a dime a dozen. In my opinion, I have more problems then an algebra textbook, but journalistic work is my therapy. When I throw myself into my work all my problems seem to fade into the background, and the only thing I can think about is getting my story done (on deadline if applicable). Who knows if thats a healthy way to work through my problems? I’m certainly not saying it is, but it certainly isn’t the worst habit I have.

The trick to accomplishing goals even when your goals seem daunting is balancing your demons, because its the self doubt, the low self esteem, the procrastination, the intrusive thoughts, the excuses, the envy, and the lack of faith in our ability to accomplish tasks, that prevents us from actually accomplishing tasks. It’s all about the end game, which is accomplishing goals. The only stipulation is you actually have to put in time and effort to accomplish these goals otherwise you will never see your dreams come to fruition. I refuse to believe dreams stay dreams for the ambitious. The delayed gratification from accomplishing the goals you set for yourself can be some of the most fulfilling feelings on gods green earth, and isn’t that what we’re all doing here? Chasing feelings?

 

My own worst enemy

I can be a little self destructive, Ill be the first to admit it. Its not because Im afraid of success, to be honest I’m not sure exactly why I have the tendency to act so irrationally. It isn’t exactly my conscious choice to be a self sabotaging dirtbag, but it just seems like whenever I get an opportunity I get so caught up in royally fucking it up, I actually cause myself to royally fuck up.

(if you want to be placed in the mood I was in when wrote this you should play this song while you read the rest. Motion City Soundtrack – A Life Less Ordinary https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emwKtNc7884 )

Life can just be so… unideal sometimes. I just want every aspect of my life to fit in perfectly with the other, much like a puzzle. In reality, no aspect of my life fits in perfectly with anything. Between my work at school, my topsy-turvy love life, and my cantankorous family, the only thing that comes easy is stress. Nothing fits in with anything, and it makes me feel so uncomfortable. I have the tendency to carry that sense of uncomfortableness with me pretty much everywhere, and it shows through wild actions based compulsion.

Even so, I feel the best way to actually accomplish the attainable goals that I have set for myself is to just act like I know what I’m doing. I might not have the answers, but I can sure pretend I do. Even though I don’t have much faith in my actual ability to complete tasked to a degree that would be deemed “exemplary,” I do have faith in my ability to solve problems. Even if I don’t know how to do something, I can learn. I do most definitely hold firm the belief that all men are created equal, and if anybody could do anything, then could do everything (within the realm of possibility).

Having a mentality that instills a little confidence in myself definitely helps me accomplish daunting jobs and tasks, even though my mind is racing with a million different possibilities on how things could go wrong if I make a mistake. It also helped me to come to the conclusion that sometimes people just make mistakes. Life is not in any way, shape, or form ideal, and most of the time anything worthwhile takes sacrifice, confidence, and persistence. None of which are natural traits of mine, but if an ape can learn sign language, then I can learn anything I damn well want to.

Nostalgic Duplicity

Sometimes I get the unshakable feeling that I’m living out a teen movie made in the mid-nineteen-nineties, except I’m not a teenager, and for damn sure am not in the nineties. I guess if you spend enough time in your head you start to hear theme music, sort of like a soundtrack to life. I really don’t want to get down on myself on here (anymore), so I’m not.

(If you want to add some ambiance to this blog ,then play this song while you read the rest. (Millencolin – Shut you out) Heres a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHokuPuu-YM )

Im totally in love with the human experience, completely enamored with the senses of living life. It truly is a gift to be able to wake up every morning, completely ready to tackle any and every adversity thrown your way. Which is why sometimes, I have to get on top of a mountain, open up my arms nice and wide and scream at the top of my lungs “I’m the king of the world!” in order to remind myself that, much like scarface, the world is mine

I want nothing more then to be the hero, but tend to find myself in pretty sticky situations. Every time I feel like I’m doing well and making progress, I seem to be swiftly reminded I have so much more to go. Im not complaining of course (even if it sounds like that), after all life isn’t bad, its good, and its not hard, but it for damn sure isn’t easy. I just can’t help but think I’m polishing a turd when I put so much effort into life and get the sweaty ballsack of the universe across my face in return (especially when I’m expecting the sweet kiss of Lady Luck). Im not complaining I’m just wondering if this is it to life.

I keep asking myself: “am I the monkey? Or am I the weasel?” Maybe I’m the mulberry bush and the monkey chasing the weasel is just an internal battle between me and my crazy ass emotions. Which sounds most likely, there is also the chance I’m just not man enough to admit that most my problems are indirectly (or maybe even directly) caused by me. Maybe my problems aren’t even real and I’m just worrying because its learned behavior. After all, it would make sense, I grew up a worrier. Even though now, as an adult, I feel pretty great. A young and strong man, embarking on his journey of self discovery, but its not like my anxiety is gone. I still worry about the dumbest shit, like did I lock the doors? did I leave the stove on? or do my friends really like me? As of right now, I’m worrying, and later, probably still worrying.

Every time I have to face that cold reality of having made a mistake, whether huge or big, I can’t help but hear music in my head, which seems to make it just a little bit better because, in my head, this is just my nineties college movie. Not just any music of course, but the type of music that you would only hear in an old Tony Hawks Pro Skater game, or in the original American Pie movie. Life is just a journey and as long as I keep trying my best, I can’t be mad at myself for being a spectacular failure.

Great Things and Day Dreams

I spend a lot of time day dreaming. In my head, things are always amplified ten fold, extreme highs and extreme lows. Without getting all “disassociated,” I just have a tendency to embellish the present. I feel at a disadvantage not being able to burst out in song and have backup singers and dancers follow suit, as we are whisked away into a flurry of wonderful song and dance, only then will I truly be able to express myself.

Im not looking to escape from reality, I love reality, I just wish it had a little bit more pizzaz! I live in Los Angeles, a place where you would think everything is sexy. Well I have some bad news, everything is not sexy. Its hard to make poverty look sexy, but thats not to say that Los Angeles doesn’t actually have glamour, its there, just not for poor people.

Even though my life doesn’t see much “sexiness,” (perhaps due to my lack of connections to that scene in Los Angeles) I must say it is not void of romance, everything I do and say has some semblance of romance. Im talking full on Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca romance, I just want everything in my life to be over the top extraordinary.  Im always looking for greatness, which has given me an – one hundred and fifty percent effort, until I am unable to put any more effort forth! – type of attitude. If it where up to me every night would be a gigantic climax where the many unresolved conflicts of my life magically come to a resolution as I valiantly fight my way through stress from school, from my flickering love life, and from every other force in nature both internal and external and at the end I would always come out victorious.

Thats because in my head, I’m the hero, the protagonist, the young man who against all odds over came adversity and kicked lifes ass! Unabashed and unapologetic, thats who I am in my head, and it was a hard realization that I’m not the protagonist of the entire world or even in other peoples heads. To others, I’m just a side character, or a means to an end, or even an antagonist. To many I’m just another kid in the way of their own personal goals.

I’m not discouraged by this fact of life, if anything, its pretty encouraging! A little healthy completion never hurt anyone, I like to think it adds to the overall romance of life. A race is just a time trail if you are doing it alone! Rivals and speed bumps are what make your accomplishments that much more sweet when you get the delicious taste of victory! What would the glory of war be without the glorious fight fought. The victor standing proud as he relishes in his rightfully earned accomplishment.

When I tell myself I’m the hero,  life’s problems seem to shrink, after all the hero always comes out on top. One of my professors once told me that I would experience many stop signs and speed bumps as I drive though my life, but no matter what I can never let them stray me off my path to success. Kinks in the chain and curveballs keep things interesting, without them life would seem a lot more bland. I need some conflict, I need some spice, I need some song, and I need to keep daydreaming.

Time Keeps On slippen….

I went to my buddy Zack’s graduation party last night. It was a really great time, lots of people, some I knew, some I didn’t. The overall vibe was positive and that made me feel comfortable. Towards the end of the night things started to get a little out of hand, nothing too crazy just the occasional over-intoxicated partier or rowdy confrontation. Started with a lot of food like Pizza and chips to help soak the booze up, by the end of the night all the food was eaten, and things just got belligerent from there.

At some point I had to switch to water and start sobering up just for the sake of not being the guy to break every piece of glass in the bathroom, (and yes that shit actually happened) but I didn’t stop having a good time, everyone there was just so happy to be together having a good time. Music was loud and the laughter was louder, it was one of those type of nights. Where even though we may have all had some shit in the back of our minds that under any other circumstance would be picking and scratching at our attention span, we all just put that aside and decided that tonight would be all about having a good time.

It makes me sad as all hell that many of my friends will not be returning to college with me next semester. Ive grown to really like them and the fact that they are graduated and transferring out to university is really bitter sweet. On one hand I’m so happy for my colleagues and what the have accomplished and what they will go on to accomplish. On the other hand I don’t like change, and we always have a good time when we get together. Will there still be times like last night? Most likely, and even if it isn’t then thats fine too, because I’m so grateful for the times we have spent together.

There was a moment where we were all just strangers meeting for the first time, now we have gotten to a point where we all share a common relationship. Just a bunch of journalists figuring their shit out, taking it step by step, meeting new people, forming new bonds, and hanging out to passing the time.

Happiness is a state of mind, but not mine.

I went to my old high school today and saw my old teacher, it made me feel old. I’ve been out of high school for four years now, and I’ve come so far from where I was when I first graduated. I am truly happy with where I am in life. So, why don’t I feel happy?

Maybe its because its been a couple weeks since I’ve broken up with my girlfriend of three years, (who am I kidding) It definitely is. Ill be honest, I miss her… but whatever. I broke up with her, and she’s doing her own thing. Its not like our relationship was a cakewalk, I can be pretty tough to get along with. Im anxious and neurotic, coupled with the baggage she carried with her… it just seems, looking back, that all we did was abuse each other. Its a good thing its over, and like I said I feel really good with where my life is at.

So why do I feel unhappy? Its probably a combination of the loneliness felt from my newfound “freedom” and also my anxious brain racing with intrusive thoughts about “her”. Then theres the fact that the semester is over and now I have bullshit to do until it starts back up again in a week or two for summer classes. Just time, to work on things like my blog and try to get social media figured out. Lots of time to hang out with friends, who I don’t really talk to any more, and do things I forgot I liked to do.

The thing is, I think its finally getting a little easier. I may not be exactly as Happy as I feel I should be, but life is looking up. I have a feeling like this is a just me finishing up a chapter of my life, and I’ve got a lot more chapters till my book is over. I feel wonderful, strong, and healthy. Just waiting for that happiness to come around the bend, and I’m sure it will, any minute now….